Don't Know What I don't know

Wow wee, it feels like five hundred years since I last wrote.  Writing is something that I love & it is a welcome pleasure to return to story sharing again.  Admittedly, I feel rusty in getting back into the groove of writing.  Truthfully I did quite a bit of procrastinating type activity this morning before I finally sat down at this keyboard.  Isn’t that a weird thing in life that we can really enjoy an activity or even something can be good for us yet somehow we put it off?  That is something that we can each experience from time to time.  An easy example of that would be changing out a habit like being pulled out of hibernation in between the couch cushions & taking a walk or some other form of exercise.  I have read & been told countless times that it takes 21 days to form or replace an old habit with a more preferable one.  That may or may not resonate for you.  We each get to decide which piece of information out there is going to become a part of our plate. (life's buffet)

If I could only choose three words to describe 2016 so far they would be” uncomfortable but okay.”  The discomfort that I am referring to is more of an in the ether type one than a physical one.  Although everything has not exactly been coming up all roses from a physical health perspective I have found ways to coexist with that & keep my perspective as positive as possible on purpose.  Also I just call it like it is too.  When a day is particularly physically grueling I just admit that to at least 1 trusted loved one.  What can feel like mini defeats activate my  inner extra feisty rascal thankfully.  December was both outstanding & brutal.  Isn’t that the story of many of our lives as far as the ups & downs go?  For me December is always exhausting & over the 9 Christmases with type 1 diabetes my glucose meter scientifically tells me that month is less than stellar for me health wise.  The roller coastering blood sugars are dramatic in December & they were more so this past Christmas season.  Part of the reason for this was worth it to me & the other part was a result of having a pathetic immune system & choosing to burn the candle at both ends.  All 4 of the autoimmune diseases that I live with flared up with a vengeance during December & continue to do so.  The second week of December my family went to Disney World & it was an exhausting blast.  Our sons are all about the parks & rides so having sit down meals where I could keep Celiac at bay did not happen.  Having a day or even a morning or afternoon to lounge by the pool was out of the question.  Staying & riding until 1am & getting up early & doing that again were the thing that electrified our sons.  By no means am I complaining about any of this for a second.  Being in kind of a perfect kid world for a week was absolutely a treat.  Our sons live with more reality some days than I would like them to so seeing them just being kids that week with no concerns in the world was heartwarming to this mom.  Once we got home though there was a week until Christmas & still lots to do.  Blood sugars soared, the psoriasis that had gone into remission for 2 glorious months came back with a vengeance, P.A. activated & my body also was still freaking out at me for all the gluten & dairy exposure during the time away.  At first I felt discouraged & then I decided that I would need to give my body time & care in order to see improvements.  Realistically I knew that the month of January would be ear marked for “being gentle with myself.”  Halfway through January though I realized that I still had not slowed down the pace & was correspondingly feeling like something that the cat dragged in still.  I made the feisty decision to raise the draw bridge & put out the crocodiles for the remainder of January in an effort to help in improving the autoimmunes that were screaming at me.  The slowing down is a work in progress since it has only been a little over a week since I started “stopping.”

Do you find that once you physically slow down that your thoughts speed up sometimes?  That is my experience.  On more than one occasion I have found myself saying to my own thoughts…”settle down.”  I like to tackle many things at once & solve everything at once.  Life is not all tidy though so that is a pipe dream.  My cool headed husband says to me all the time, “You have to slow down sometimes to speed up.”  He reads every manual for stuff that has to be put together whereas I figure putting objects together is a kinetic process.  And yes this means that he has taken many objects apart that I assembled to reassemble them properly but I love that he does that late at night when I am sleeping & never says a word about it.  He is a night hawk & I am an early bird.  The slow down to speed up advice is wise when it comes to planning or assembling objects or thinking something through or waiting to react to many heated situations.  I am an emotional animal so the slowing down to speed up process is still a work in progress & one worth getting better at in my life.

A couple of days after we got home from Florida, my Dad & I went to an NHL game.  We had a blast.  Part way through the game I could literally feel a cold setting in.  That was not about to slow me down though because the last of the preparations for Christmas had to be completed.  It was all worth it.  Every minute was worth it even with the autoimmunes flaring up in full force.  Keeping up the December pace though I knew would not be a good idea.  To know something does not always turn into an action plan though.  A decision is the thing that takes realizing something to the next step.  That is where the draw bridge & crocodile plan comes from beginning mid January.  I will need “the force” to keep my focus on not backsliding on my last half of January plan.

Once I slowed down my racing thoughts over the past week or so I reminded myself that the discomfort I was feeling thought wise needed to be redirected.  I needed to put the brakes on letting my thoughts travel back in time to the past or too far forward into the future.  I needed to stop worrying about every little thing & just be present in each & every moment no matter what the moment felt or looked like.  This is the part where I tell you that this is a huge challenge at least for me.  My biggest hurdle is my natural tendency to plan for the future…way into the future.  Planning for the future is responsible & right however I have not been present enough in the moment so I am just stirring that into my day in good measure now or at least trying to with all my might.    I have also found that being around others that are good at that helps immeasurably. 

One of the things that occurred to me once the draw bridge went up & I slowed down & started taking proper care of me was that I had not set aside much time in 2015 to read.  I love to read so that seems like a summary offense to me.  I have decided to ensure that reading is something that I schedule in this year.  No sooner had I made that choice & boom out popped a book that I just knew instantly I will read first.  If I was more practical I would have read a book from the tall stack of unread gems I already own.  If you too are a book lover though you will know that feeling of seeing yet another book & having it call your name.  The book this time that called out to me has already made quite an impact on me & I am only about 25% of the way through it.  The topic is largely about the discomfort that can be felt when you feel yourself in the valleys of life & not running away from that.  I have learned the hard way that I cannot outrun my feelings.  I don’t run away from my feelings even when they feel totally uncomfortable.  The book is written by a high profile & respected social worker.  I started out my education in social work however changed directions when things got a little too steamy with the bull crap.  There are a handful of social workers that I respect & admire I will say.  I do not however have the time or patience for nonsense so if there is steamy bull product in the room I will call it out.  That is just how the feisty rascal in me was made.  I look forward to sharing many of the gems of wisdom that I glean from this book that I am currently reading with you in the coming weeks.  In the meantime I am just slowing down & continuing to keep myself open to learning because as the popular saying goes, “I don’t know what I don’t know.”  I am certain of that.

My heart’s hope for you is that you allow yourself to be gentle with yourself & take the best possible care of you physically, emotionally & spiritually.

Smiles,

Saundie :)

May you have a peaceful week.  Next Monday's writing piece is in the foggy ether as usual :)