Blowing Smoke

Do you like having smoke from any source landing squarely in your face?  Most of us will reply with an emphatic “of course not!”  The aspect about blowing smoke that I personally detest the greatest is that experience of someone blowing smoke in another sense.  It is the activity of either being around people who simply cannot handle the non Suzie sunshine days in one regard or another.  As I have shared countless times, I am naturally an enthusiastic person.  There is a difference between being genuine & blowing smoke though big time.   Every morning that I get to wake up is a gift.  I get it in an acute way that there is no time for nonsense.  You may share this view as well if you live with type 1 or another life threatening disease & the erratic blood sugar difficulties & most especially the scary as hell ones that happen in the middle of the night.  Waking up is not guaranteed.  Type 1 has changed my life in ways that are often difficult to fully put into words.  There are parts of this disease that have placed me light years ahead in terms of priorities, what I know is important, the feistiness to refuse to partake in “reindeer games” or hang on to petty grudges or grade 7 girl type drama.  None of us know how much time we have period.  Please do not get me wrong, I am not intending to be dark about this however being all Suzie sunshine & denying the truth is a waste of my time I feel.  Some days are a battle just to keep the process engineering of our blood sugars in some sort of check.  If I don’t get my feelings out in some sort of healthy way then I often feel like I could not function in any meaningful way.  And as you know only too well, pretty much everything affects blood sugar levels & stress is a biggie. 

Each one of us is a beautiful original.  We learn life lessons in a fashion that is all our own.  Along the way my experience is that life goes smoother when I remember to keep my trust circle small yet mighty.  That really boils down to the fact that I get to choose who is an encourager (or a balcony person) to share the full deal with & who has historically been a basement person who thrives on nonsense, pointless drama & appears at the core to give the metaphorical kick when a person is at a low point.  I thrive on knowing that I get to choose for the vast majority of the time which type of person is in my circle.  There are times when most of us however must experience time spent with negative influences.    When we are not feeling tip top that is a herculean task.  Thankfully the everyday heroes in our lives are there to more than balance things out.   I take no one and nothing for granted & daily I am grateful for Dear Hearts & little yet meaningful moments.  My sons most especially are indescribably everyday heroes.  I do not see them through rose coloured glasses & they know their Mom is no fading flower that they can get one over on.  When the chips are down or it is really important they amaze me.  I love them with all my soul.  Our lives are far from perfect pretty much like most people. 

I will not blow smoke at you by giving a big fake, Pollyanna story about why I have been off the radar for months now.  It has been a struggle & that is the unadulterated truth.  There are a tiny number of people that I share full details of the depth of what is going on yet at the same time I refuse to paint on a fake smile & pretend that things are perfect.  Plan c really is largely for me going under the radar to all but a tiny circle of trusted ones when things get really brutally challenging.  For months now I have had some sort of health issue that initially presented like the stomach flu but then lasted & lasted.  Thankfully I have not been one historically to get much of a headache but over the last few months the headaches I have experienced are off the Richler scale.  Then the lack of balance & the room spins added in meant constant nausea.  It is not so much that people are insensitive to our health challenges at times as maybe being naïve or that age old fact that a lot of people don’t get it until it happens to them.  Socially, I did what I had to do.  The stomach like flu symptoms of course as you know already are on top of type 1 & any other autoimmune 365’s that we already juggle day in day out 24-7.  Naturally like a toddler with a tantrum my blood sugars went zany & the psoriasis was worse than ever as well on top of feeling like my head was going to explode & I was going to throw up for months.  Should we feel the need to apologize for being unavailable due to health realities?  That is a frigging work in progress for me.  I am a Canadian for starters ha ha & a born people pleaser…proud to be Canadian yet working on leveling out the need to pointlessly people please. 

You know I refuse to throw in the towel on any given day & that even when I get knocked on my ass I will get up & continue whatever feisty fight I need to engage in to have the most meaningful life whatever the circumstances.  No smoke though.  It ticks me off to no end that my health sometimes is so sucky.  My health is not the tip of the iceberg though.  Some days I feel stuck with these sucky diseases that make it difficult to at times plan in advance certain outings & stuff.  I am learning along the way to add the proviso of I will do my best.  That means I have liberated myself from the nonsensical game of comparison.  Specifically, I do not expect my best to be the same as someone not experiencing the hurdles that I have encountered many times when it comes to my blood sugars not cooperating.  To continue to keep the atmosphere smoke free, I will add with exasperation that I am at a phase in my life that simply seems to be that of the hormones from hell & that means that my blood sugar graph each day looks like a dog’s breakfast.  And those are the days when I am trying to learn to be more patient with myself & that too is a work in progress.  The light at the end of the tunnel is that I have finally made it to the top of the list for a medical program for the weird stomach flu like stuff & I am cautiously optimistic that things will improve with hard work & time on that front.  The blood sugar dog breakfast stuff I am stuck with I have been advised for at least 5 more years.  When have we all heard the reference to 5 more years in reference to type 1 diabetes?  I have yet to encounter a person diagnosed with type 1 who was not told that a cure was expected in 5 years.  There are more gadgets than ever yet where is the bloody cure?  No smoke, just the honest feelings of exasperation of yet another person living with type 1.  If I had to imagine who would most likely find the cure (not another gadget) but the real no smoke up the butt cure, it would be either someone who has type one or has a child diagnosed with type 1.  Love would then be the ultimate motivator in curing type 1.  Love can be replenished & does not run out.  It is self funded & is stirred in to infinity. 

The summer is coming & my everyday heroes are going to be home.  I agree with all the people out there who proclaim that our kids grow up in the blink of an eye.  Whatever health crap comes my way this summer we are going to have the best little important moments that matter.  That is the one scientific fact that I buy into big time.  Being loved for exactly being the beautiful, original, genuine self on the challenging days as well as the better days is the ultimate priceless gift that I am thankful to my wee family for.  That is the law of love as far as this mom feels. 

My heart’s hope for you is that you build a strong circle of balcony people in your life so that no matter what life throws at you they are on your side.  Part of love is genuine, unfleeting encouragement.  Stay hopeful & know that true strength just like love is replenishable.  (and yes, I know I just made up variations on a couple of words & that too is okay)  Strength is kind of like when we welcome our children in its infinite replenishment.  When our first son was born I loved him at 100%.  When our second & third sons arrived into the world (and the 9 months beforehand) my love did not go to 33.3% for each one of them.  I loved & love each son at 100%.  The same can be said about our reserves of strength.  I don’t feel weaker with each health struggle but counter intuitively I feel stronger at my very core.  And I maintain a reserve of hope.  Do not lose your hope ever.  Some days are indescribably difficult yet I have found a place beyond that that brings me to my hope.  It is not magic.  It is love.  It is the love of the encouragers in my tiny circle that help replenish my bucket in a loving often small but meaningful way.  That is what I want for you always too.

Saundie

May your summer be full of hope no matter what hand you are dealt.  And may you surround yourself with the balcony people who accept you on your good days and also on the days that suck as well.  And may you be unapologetically yourself.  Happy 150 birthday Canada this July 1^st!!  The next story sharing will be the last week of September.